Don't ask why but, on my usual check-in on the latest titles releasing on Steam, one new game positively popped off the page. Reader, welcome to Love Love Joe Biden: The Joe Biden Dating Simulator (opens in new tab). Steam is positively awash with low-budget dating sims these days, but sticking the octogenarian president in one did pique my interest more than the usual. I had to play it.
Love Love Joe Biden, like almost all of them, is a multiple-choice visual novel. It smooshes together several genre tropes and then just whacks the 46th President right in the middle. It's set in an old age home that has two actual residents, one of whom is Biden, and two other members of staff: One of whom is a giant furry wolf, and the other an anime woman with her bra showing. So far, so dating sim.
The wolf's a bit of a prick, the anime girl is boring, the old woman tells anecdotes that veer into wildly inappropriate areas, and then there's Joe. The game seems to come from someone who likes Biden (after all, they made a game about dating him) but is all-too-aware of the man's occasional foibles. So sometimes Joe falls asleep when you're talking to him, for example, or he'll repeat himself and stumble over words.
There's some sort of mystery about who "the boss" is, the individual who pays for this old folks' home and thinks Biden was a terrible president, and it seems to be Corn Pop: A gang leader that Biden infamously claimed to have confronted in the early 1960s (opens in new tab). But probably the main through-line here is how much Biden loves ice cream. Can't get enough of the stuff. And wolfboy won't let him have it.
So, yes: I saw through the system, and played it for all it was worth. At every opportunity I could, I organised ice cream for Biden. I ate ice cream myself. I beat wolfy in a trivia quiz to win ten gallons of ice cream. I even correctly guessed Biden's favourite ice cream flavour (chocolate chip, apparently), though I did have to cheat and Google the capital of Delaware.
It wasn't too long before Joe's eyes were fluttering away: But this time, it wasn't because he was sleepy. He confessed his love to my character, and I swore back that I would love him until the end. Then my world was shaken.
"I think you're quite a snack, Rich, but I couldn't be your boyfriend..." said Biden, then explained to my consternation that I was too old for him. B-b-but I'm like a third of your age Mr. President, my character stammered, to no avail. In those moments where the game gets potentially steamy, such as when Biden kisses you or gets naked for a bath, it thankfully just fades to black or obscures the man bod. Here Joe simply asked for one final sniff of my hair, pulled me into his arms, and the screen and my hopes of happiness faded to black.
Guess that'll teach me to date the most powerful man in the world. In all seriousness, this is a laugh but it's a one-note joke: I'm not advocating you buy it in the slightest, though given it's only a few dollars it could make a fun gift for any Biden-loving friends. As for what the man himself would make of it, I think we all know which word he'd deploy for what us young 'uns get up to on Steam: Malarkey.